From Heartbreak to Healing: The Unforeseen Challenges of Grieving Alone After Divorce
“Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate”. - Mark 10:9
In July 2023, I wrote about the wedding season and the importance of preparing for marriage. Despite usually avoiding repetitive topics, I find myself facing a personal challenge that reinforces the significance of being cautious before getting married.
Reflecting on my journey, I’m experiencing a mix of emotions. It has been almost 20 years since my family went through a divorce, and its effects continue to shape my view on marriage.
Today, as I write this, it is my ex-mother-in-law’s 92nd birthday, and she is in palliative care. Not being able to be there for her during this significant time fills me with sadness and longing. This situation prompts me to evaluate my life and learn from my mistakes.
Throughout my journey as a Wedding Officiant and Marriage Readiness Coach, I firmly believe that God’s presence has played a significant role in shaping my work. Reflecting on my own experiences, which include a painful divorce, I am grateful for the opportunity to guide couples towards building a strong foundation in their marriages.
As part of my commitment to this mission, I recently redesigned my website to highlight the importance of marriage readiness courses among the services I offer. This decision stemmed from a personal revelation I had after becoming a wedding officiant. Having gone through a painful divorce myself, I felt a sense of unease about marrying couples without adequately preparing them for the challenges and commitments that lie ahead. My own experience taught me the crucial significance of entering marriage with a solid foundation and a profound understanding of its true meaning.
On my homepage, under the heading “What Makes Me an Expert?” it says:
25+ years of counseling experience
20+ years of lived marriage experience
A guide that understands the pain of starting off wrong
Incorporating my own story of struggle and growth into my website was not an easy decision due to feelings of shame about the failure of my own marriage. However, I chose to embrace the truth because sharing our mistakes can offer valuable insights to others. Learning from those who have stumbled before us helps us avoid pitfalls that may harm our relationships in the future.
I wholeheartedly believe in marriage, but I also acknowledge that many couples, like me, enter this union without proper preparation. Through my own experience and years of working closely with couples, I have witnessed the harsh realities and devastating consequences of not adequately preparing for marriage. It has left a lasting impact on my soul.
The declining health of my former mother-in-law intensifies these emotions as an outsider. She played a significant role in my life during my marriage, offering love, support, and wisdom when I needed it most. To say that I love and appreciate her is an understatement. Despite our different backgrounds and experiences, we were very much alike. She is the mother and matriarch I aspired to be and the grandmother I still hope to become. Not being able to be there for her during her final days breaks my heart and reminds me of the profound loss that divorce brings, severing not only the bond between spouses but also connections to the extended family.
As my boys and the rest of the family gathered to celebrate her birthday, I felt a bittersweet ache in my heart. I am no longer a part of that family, and the grief I feel is isolating. It’s difficult to express the impact she had on my life, and not having anyone in my family to share my grief with adds another layer of complexity to the healing process.
These recent experiences have made me realize that divorce involves countless aspects we often overlook when solely focusing on what is wrong in our marriages. We tend to disregard the ripple effects that extend far beyond the end of the relationship itself. In moments of reflection like these, I wish I had sought proper guidance before entering marriage, someone who could have prepared me for what lay ahead.
I want to be clear that both my husband and I contributed to the end of our marriage in different ways. Despite many regrets, I understand that I was not a whole person back then. I can now admit to pursuing selfish desires, acting out of self-interest, being deceived by false beliefs and ideologies, seeking validation and fulfillment in worldly means rather than finding them in God, being influenced by unhealthy relationships due to fear of standing up against them, and lacking purpose or direction in life… just to name a few :)
However, with my faith now anchored in Christ and the Holy Spirit working within me, I am incredibly grateful for how He is maturing me and granting me new insights. Although I must face the consequences of my mistakes, I know that I am forgiven in Christ. This instills in me a deep determination to live a Godly life and be accountable to Him in everything I do.
My purpose is clear: To help the couples I serve start their marriages on a solid foundation.
I want them to fully understand the true essence of marriage as a lifelong union meant to keep families together and protect one another. Marriage should serve as a pattern and legacy for future generations, rather than something easily discarded during tough times.
In hindsight, I have learned invaluable lessons about commitment, communication, and resilience. I now understand the importance of seeking guidance and preparing for the different seasons life brings.
As I embark on this new chapter of supporting couples in their marriage journeys, I carry the weight of my past experiences with me. It is my hope that by sharing my story and offering guidance, others can avoid the pain and heartache that come from entering into marriage unprepared.
I’d like to conclude this post with a prayer for my mother-in-law:
Dear Heavenly Father,
I come before you today with a heavy heart, seeking your guidance and comfort for my dear mother-in-law. As she nears the end of her life, I pray that you would surround her with your peace and love.
Lord, I know that my mother-in-law may not be a believer, but I ask that you would reveal yourself to her in a way that she can understand and accept. Open her eyes to your presence and grace, and soften her heart to receive your love.
During this time of physical weakness and pain, I pray that you would be her strength. Be her source of comfort and healing, easing her suffering and bringing her peace. May she feel your loving presence beside her, guiding her through each moment.
Lord, I also pray for the medical team caring for my mother-in-law. Grant them wisdom and discernment as they make decisions regarding her care. Give them compassion and empathy as they interact with her, and may they provide the best possible support for her physical and emotional needs.
Lastly, I lift up our family to you, Lord. Help us to be a source of strength and encouragement to one another during this difficult time. Give us the wisdom to know how best to support my mother-in-law and each other, and unite us in love and unity.
In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.
Tracy is a Marketplace Minister, licensed wedding officiant, life/marriage coach, and funeral celebrant.
To view her other content such as Topical Articles, Devotionals, Process of Illumination Blog & Practical Ministry Podcast on Substack go to tracybrichards.substack.com